To change something, anything, about your life can only be done when you are ready. You can’t push it, or try to force it, or do it half-assed. Because at the end of the day it will only cause you to be unsuccessful. The entire world can tell you to do something, but unless you are willing and able and wanting, it just won’t be done. Trust me, I know. My years of weight loss and weight gain are proof enough. You have to be in it, with your whole heart, or you will fail.
You need to know your why. If someone were to ask you “Why are you _____” (fill in the black to whatever pertains to you), you need to have a definitive answer. I think I struggled with my why for a long time. And that was the problem. My why was always a bunch of little reasons which never really added up to the big picture for me.
Yesterday on the bus ride home a woman was in front of me waiting to get off the bus at my stop. As she stepped off the bus a little girl with pigtails and rosy cheeks came bouncing towards her and ran into her arms yelling “Mommy!” She couldn’t of been more then five years old, and the way both of their faces lit up when they saw one another? It made my heart melt. And it made my uterus ache. At that moment, I found my why … it’s been there this whole time, I just needed to witness that moment between a mother and daughter to make me realize it.
I want to be a mom. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. I know that my POF diagnosis will make it so that I will never biologically have a child. But that doesn’t mean I cannot use donor eggs and carry our baby. But my being overweight? Well that’s only contributing to the already existing odds that are are stacked against me.
Now there’s no questioning it: When you ask me why I’m on this weight loss journey? It’s not so that I will look good in my wedding dress, or be able to wear a two-piece bathing suit, or fit into a smaller sized jean. No, while all those things are welcomed and added bonuses, that is not my why. My why is making it that much easier on my body to accept a pregnancy. My why is becoming a mother. My why is my future children.
The road ahead of me isn’t an easy one – I have a long way to go before I reach my weight loss goals, and I have no idea what lies ahead in my journey to motherhood. But I have my why … and that’s all the motivation I need.
And if I’m ever doubting myself, or questioning whether or not I’m on the right path, I’m going to remember that little girl with rosy cheeks and pigtails. And I’m going to focus on my why.