Finding My Why

To change something, anything, about your life can only be done when you are ready.  You can’t push it, or try to force it, or do it half-assed.  Because at the end of the day it will only cause you to be unsuccessful.  The entire world can tell you to do something, but unless you are willing and able and wanting, it just won’t be done.  Trust me, I know.  My years of weight loss and weight gain are proof enough. You have to be in it, with your whole heart, or you will fail.

You need to know your why.  If someone were to ask you “Why are you _____” (fill in the black to whatever pertains to you), you need to have a definitive answer.  I think I struggled with my why for a long time.  And that was the problem. My why  was always a bunch of little reasons which never really added up to the big picture for me.

Yesterday on the bus ride home a woman was in front of me waiting to get off the bus at my stop.  As she stepped off the bus a little girl with pigtails and rosy cheeks came bouncing towards her and ran into her arms yelling “Mommy!”  She couldn’t of been more then five years old, and the way both of their faces lit up when they saw one another? It made my heart melt.  And it made my uterus ache.  At that moment, I found my why … it’s been there this whole time, I just needed to witness that moment between a mother and daughter to make me realize it.

I want to be a mom.  It’s all I’ve ever wanted.  I know that my POF diagnosis will make it so that I will never biologically have a child.  But that doesn’t mean I cannot use donor eggs and carry our baby.  But my being overweight? Well that’s only contributing to the already existing odds that are are stacked against me.

Now there’s no questioning it: When you ask me why I’m on this weight loss journey?  It’s not so that I will look good in my wedding dress, or be able to wear a two-piece bathing suit, or fit into a smaller sized jean.  No, while all those things are welcomed and added bonuses, that is not my why.  My why is making it that much easier on my body to accept a pregnancy.  My why is becoming a mother.  My why is my future children.

The road ahead of me isn’t an easy one – I have a long way to go before I reach my weight loss goals, and I have no idea what lies ahead in my journey to motherhood.  But I have my why … and that’s all the motivation I need.

And if I’m ever doubting myself, or questioning whether or not I’m on the right path, I’m going to remember that little girl with rosy cheeks and pigtails.  And I’m going to focus on my why.

Weigh-In Wednesday

This morning was my week 4 weigh-in.  I lost another 1.2 pounds for a total weight loss of 7.8 pounds.  I’m really happy with how I’ve been doing this time around on WW.  I think being an online member is really working far better then going to meetings did.  Meetings always felt a bit like a chore, and I never really found a leader that I felt truly connected with.  Some were better then others, and I did have my favorites, but I never really found a meeting that felt like home.

Weight Watchers online gives me the freedom to hold my own meetings by reading what I want to read, interacting with whom I want to interact with in the forums, and paving my own way on my own journey.  I don’t have to listen to a leader drone on about something that is of no significance to me, or deal with that one meeting member who always always needs to chime in with their own hour long story about some big revelation they had the week before.

If I need motivation? A recipe idea? Or some support to prevent me from walking off the Oreo cliff, all I need to do is turn to my WW tools.  I cannot tell you how many times WW E-Tools have saved me in the last four weeks.  I honestly forgot how much I like being on Weight Watchers.  It’s amazing how good I’ve been feeling lately.

I’m excited to see where this week will take me …

Weigh In Wednesday

WW No Bake Key Lime Pie

When I first joined weight watchers many many years ago I joined with my mom and grandmother.  At that time we would eat dinner at my  grandparents house every Sunday without fail.  This pie was a dessert staple since it is weight watcher friendly, super easy and delicious!  But its been a long time since any of us had made it.  I decided to change that this
weekend and brought it to my grandmothers for Palm Sunday dinner.  I knew it would be an easy way for me to be able to enjoy a dessert and not go overboard with my weight watcher points+ intake! And I decided to share the recipe with all of you.  I’m not sure where we saw the recipe originally, but I’m pretty sure it was in a WW magazine or one of the books years ago.

WW No Bake Key Lime Pie

 

WW No Bake Key Lime Pie

WW No Bake Key Lime Pie

Ingredients:
  • 1/4 cup boiling water
  • 1  graham cracker crust
  • 1 (1/16 ounce) package sugar-free lime gelatin
  • 1 (8 ounce) container fat-free whipped topping
  • 2 (6 ounce) key lime pie yogurt
Directions:
  1. In a large bowl, dissolve gelatin in boiling water.
  2. Stir in yogurt with wire whisk
  3. Fold in whipped topping with wooden spoon.
  4. Spread in crust
  5. Refrigerate for at least 2 hours.
  6. Serve

Serves: 8, Points+ per serving: 2 point plus

I especially love making this in the summer as it is sooooo refreshing on a hot day!  It’s also versatile and can be made in a variety of flavors, just get a matching jello and yogurt flavors and your good to go.  We have done orange in the past and it tastes like a creamsicle :)  Let me know if you try out this recipe and what flavor you make :)

Nothing Works Unless YOU Do

I joined Weight Watchers again at the end of March.  I just turned 31, my anxiety was through the roof, and my eating habits were atrocious.  Mike and I had been going to the gym at least three times a week, and I was starting to feel good.  But I couldn’t control my eating and the anxiety that was coming with my bad food choices.  I wanted to stop the food cycle of doom, so I decided to try doing Weight Watchers Online.  I had always in the past been a meetings member, but I didn’t feel like going to a meeting anymore. So I decided to give online a try.  I went out and bought a digital scale so that I could track my weight down to the ounce, and a dove right in.

Instantly I felt a difference.  By drinking more water, more fruit, more veggies and less processed, fattening crap – my anxiety levels went down drastically.  In fact, I think in the weeks I’ve been on WW, I have only had one incident where my anxiety levels peaked a bit …. but other then that nada – which is amazing because I was at the point where I was feeling anxious after every meal.

This was an eye opener for me.  I always kinda suspected that what I ate was a direct correlation to my anxiety, but this really drove the point home to me.  Am I saying I will never ever eat a big fattening meal again? OF COURSE NOT.  But it will definitely make me think twice about what I put into my body and if its worth the possible ramifications or not.

I wish I would have posted each week but since I didn’t I’ll do all my weigh ins here now and post again next week with week 4 updates, but here is week 1-3:

WW Week 3 Weigh In

WW Week 3 Weigh In

 

So in 3 weeks I’ve lost 6.6 pounds!  I’m in a really good place right now.  I feel motivated and determined, and I’m starting to see a slight difference in the way my body looks.  I definitely feel better.  I’m excited to see the weight come off, and am looking forward to continuing the journey towards a healthier, happier, anxiety free me!

The Thing About Facebook

These days everyone has a Facebook account.  Ok, well, not everyone. But a good majority of the world does.  And the thing is, sometimes I wonder what the point of having it is.  Facebook is like one big  popularity contest where the world decided to friend request everyone they ever met in their whole entire life.

How many times has someone said “Oh, we are Facebook friends ….” or something of that nature?  I know I say it frequently.    What exactly does that mean?  It means that if I’m am being perfectly honest with you myself, they aren’t my real-life friends.  Maybe they once were, but for whatever reason, our relationships are non existant beyond the walls newsfeeds of FB.  These are the people I maintain “friendships” with on FB whom I haven’t seen in a decade.  And not because they live on the other side of the country (I have those people on my friends list too).  But because … well … I don’t know why.  And the thing is, lately this is making me wonder why I keep these people are on my friends list at all.  Because if FB ceased to exist, I would never, ever pick up a phone to call or even text you.  Maybe that seems cold and heartless, but its true.   If we were really friends we would meet up for coffee, or grab a bite to eat, or do happy hour …. or even just, ya know, communicate somehow.  If the only interaction we have had in the last year is liking each others pictures or commenting on some mundane status, I can’t help but thing we do not have a relationship at all.

So why do we do it? Why do I keep random people from my past on my friends list when they are so obviously not a part of my present and most likely won’t be a part of my future? Its such a bizarre thing.

Don’t Even Think About It (Book Review)

 

 

Don’t Even Think About It by Sarah Mlynowski was newly released in March of this year.  I had an advance copy and started reading it right away, but took my time finishing it, thus the late review of the book.  My slow finish had nothing to do with the book itself, it was a fun quick read. The book centers around a group of teens who after a bad batch of flu shots evened up with the ability to hear the people around them’s thoughts.   As you could imagine this caused for quite a bit of excitement – from cheating on tests, learning your significant other’s true feelings, and overhearing what’s going on in the mind of your parents –  its a whirlwind of information good and bad! I  I actually really enjoyed the book.  And it made me wonder what would happen if I could hear other peoples thoughts, and worst, if they could here mine!

 

***Disclaimer: I received a free advance copy from the publisher through NetGalley***

31 Things To Say “It’s Ok” To

 Just like I did for my 29th and 30th I have this post scheduled for 4:59 AM.  The exact moment I was born.

Once upon a time my blog friends Neely & Amber used to do a weekly linkup called “It’s Ok Thursday” You can see all my old posts here.  I was a faithful link-up-er and was super sad when the girlies decided it was time to stop doing the link up.  However, because today is my birthday (hello 31) and I can do what I want, I decided to revive the “It’s Ok” idea for the day.

I present to you 31 things things to say “It’s Ok” to:

It’s Ok …

  1. To sleep on it, things always seem better in the morning
  2. To just sit back and people-watch every now and then
  3. To push through the pain at the gym, that burn after is such a rewarding feeling
  4. To still be in awe of your engagement ring and stare at your hand constantly
  5. To hit snooze  until the last possible second
  6. To change your mind, and your opinions on something
  7. To have a solo slumber party filled with Netflix, junk food and pajamas
  8. To give someone a second chance
  9. To not give someone a second chance
  10. To not buy anything without watching a YouTube review on it first
  11. To experiment and have fun with style and makeup
  12. To laugh at yourself
  13. To dance in the middle of your living room all by yourself
  14. To buy it in every color (some things are that amazing)
  15. To walk away from toxic relationships
  16. To eat a bowl of sugary cereal once in awhile
  17. To act like a tourist in your own city sometimes
  18. To get excited for the change in seasons
  19. To be sad when your favorite show ends
  20. To get excited about the littlest things
  21. To prefer texting over chatting
  22. To let it go to voicemail
  23. To travel as often as possible
  24. To fear the unknown
  25. To say “No”
  26. To still get butterflies when he walks in the room
  27. To sing in the shower
  28. To dream about the future
  29. To fail. Just keep trying
  30. To still have no idea what you want to do when you grow up, no matter your age!
  31. To  go out and eat a cupcake in my honor, the calories won’t count since it’s my birthday ;)

Just Rambling

I’ve had this post in drafts form for weeks now.  I write some, I  delete it, I rewrite it, I say I’m not going to post  it,  and then I add more to it.  I think that is the universe’s way of telling me I need to hit publish.  I need to put it out there, write it out and let myself use this as one been venting session.

It’s been  a year since she walked out of my life. I’ve been thinking about it a lot again lately. It still hurts. I still miss her. The friendship we had. I still struggle with it and trying to be ok with the fact that she left.  I can’t help myself from missing her and thinking about her and wishing things were different.  But she made the decision to remove herself from my life. I don’t know her reasons and I never will.  But what I do know is that her choice to walk away is on her.  Not me. True relationships of any kind take work. And you should love and respect a friendship enough to address problems and let your feelings be known. If you aren’t willing to do that then I’m not sure if there ever was a real relationship there.Writing it about it here makes me feel a little better. Sometimes I wanna ask the the others if anyone still talks to her. But I don’t bother, because I don’t know if I really want to know the answer to that question.  The other thing that bothers me a lot lately is that when I look back and think about my actions back when we were friends I get mad at myself. Because I may have ruined another relationship of mine for her, defending her, choosing her. And that makes me sad.  Because in the end? I lost two people I cared about a lot. For no real good reason.

I’m wondering of I should take a step back or flat out remove myself from certain places. I wonder if keeping myself surrounded by it is only hurting me and making myself crazier then I need to be. Maybe I should just respect the fact that things change, people change and it’s all a part of life. Maybe I shouldn’t force myself there, force my presence and try to rekindle or make it something it so obviously is not.

My apartment is a dirty mess. I’m ashamed of it. But I do nothing to fix it. When I should be up cleaning I instead lay in bed and lose myself in the world of social media. Maybe it’s too much. Maybe I really do need to unplug more. Maybe I need to take a step back and look at the big picture here, the real picture. The one where real life takes importance over social media bullshit.

And I’ve still been struggling with  food related anxiety again. I mean like I cannot eat in a restaurant without feeling a panic attack coming on. It’s getting rather bad. I find myself popping Xanax every time I am eating in a restaurant. I’m not sure what is going on with me lately but I don’t like it.

Part of me thinks a lot of it is still contributed to this never-ending winter we are having.  I think I have a case of the blues, even though I know I shouldn’t, sometimes you just can’t help but to feel how you feel …

GTL?

This winter was been brutally cold and all I’ve wanted to do was snuggle up under the blankets with a book and/or Netflix.  Normally I’m perfectly happy and content with being a couch-potato, but I’ve had enough of this never-ending winter  filled with doing nothing.  And if I’m being honest, I’m craving exercise.  I feel all amped up and ready to go, I wanna sweat.  I wanna move.  I wanna do something.  

Mike asked me to join a gym with him. Actually, he’s actually been asking me to join a gym together for years.  I’ve always said no because  I’ve never worked out with guys there, I always joined Lucille Roberts or did Zumba in an all girls class.  But, he finally convinced me not to worry about what other people are doing and to just focus on our workouts and eachother.  But, ack! I hope my self consciousness doesn’t get the best of me.

Especially since I’m pretty sure the gym we are joining is like stepping right into a scene from the Jersey Shore. Not sure how comfortable I’m gonna be working out next to a whole bunch of J-Wow & Pauly D’s …..

But I’m excited to try and see how going to the gym with someone else is. I’ve never really had a real partner – everyone always flaked out on me real quick. I know this won’t be the case with Mike, because when he says he is going to do something, he does it.  He will hit the gym fast and furious, he’s already talking about going everyday.  I love that about him – when he puts his mind to something he goes all in.  I need that.

I think its going to be fun to have Mike a workout buddy.  It will be another way for us to support and motivate one another plus it will be some bonding time, which is always welcomed.

So … as soon as our schedule allows it, we will be joining the gym together.  GTL here we come!

 

Now Hear THIS!!!

THIS past week something amazing happened! My Goddaugher said her first word! At 33 months, my little Peanut has finally said her 1st word.

Peanut has Apraxia Of Speech – a  motor speech disorder that causes  difficulty planning and producing the movements of the tongue, lips, jaw and palate that are necessary to speak (learn more about it here).  You will be hearing me talk more about Apraxia of Speech in the coming months as we are planning to do the local walk for Children with Apraxia.

Peanut  has been in intensive therapy and I am so proud of her for how far she’s come.  She is quite the smarty-pants, who, even nonverbal, manages to get her point across and can even psych you out and  sneak herself a cookie ;)

But this past Thursday, it finally happened.  THIS was the moment we had all been waiting for.  THIS is what made all the therapy worth it.  THIS was the first word out of our Peanut’s lips.  Her voice is the most perfect mixture of assertiveness and pipsqueak.  The winning word, the word that will hold a special meaning to me for the rest of my life (incase you couldn’t tell already)  is THIS!!!!

THISTHIS

THISTHIS

NOWHEARTHIS

Peanut – I am so so so proud of you! You have been proving to us all that in your time in your way you will do it all.  THIS is only the beginning!

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